I have a tendency to be too hard on myself, at times. It often manifests itself as a comparison between what I’m doing or want to do and what someone else is doing. Case in point: I saw where a couple of friends are in school (studying or teaching), while doing something else on the side (raising a kid, working another job or 2, etc.), but aren’t showing any signs of fatigue (at least, their statuses aren’t showing any). I then wonder if I’m complaining too much, internally (mainly) or externally, about being ‘one homework assignment away from passing out’. I then try to push through said exhaustion… and end up out of gas.
I need to tone down the self-judgment, on occasion. I can’t be concerned with my levels of activity and exhaustion, compared to this or that friend.
Note to self: in August, don’t try to work 2 part-time jobs (especially when one is 3rd shift), 6-10 extra hours on an internship, and take 12 hours of classes. 😉
The Nexus 
My problem was always comparing myself to my siblings. Katie has lived all over the country, is raising four kids, succeeds at everything she does, including (but not limited to) getting a bachelor and master’s degree in the time it took me to get out of college and taking her blog to a monetary level and national exposure in a fraction of the time I’d poured my heart and soul into mine.
And then there’s Joe. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Joe finished college excelling at everything. He went to VMS and excelled. He did UofL and excelled. He became an attorney and argued in front of the SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES. Now he’s going to be teaching at Morehead State without having to go through the trouble of a Ph.D. (Of course there is that law degree, but who cares?).
Me, I’m a mailman. Sometimes I have CRAZY inferiority moments. But do you know what finally made me come to peace with it? I didn’t need to achieve the things my siblings did. I decided what I needed to be happy – to figure out what I WANTED for me and I got it. I have my career, my wife, my home, and some of the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. Including you, you crazy cyborg. I literally wear your face on my shirt. No other friend gets that treatment.
What I’ve always wondered about you is this. What are you looking for? You’ve been going for school for as long as I can remember, but I never really knew what you were looking to do with it. The things that really made you happy were things that you were doing on the side of that. Your music, your writings, your sharing of stuff. You’ve got a lot of money tied up in school, but I hope you aren’t doing it because that’s what you think you NEED to be doing.
And I may be wrong. But dude, you’re too old to be comparing yourself to others. You are Anthony Bonner, and Anthony Bonner is pretty dang awesome. If you can get a better hold on that fact, I’m pretty sure more stuff will start falling into place for you.
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The comparison to others isn’t a constant thing; it just pops up at some … odd times.
Thanks for the kind words, BTW! School was a ‘need’ that first year at UofL, 82 years ago. It became a ‘want’ shortly afterwards. The eternal archenemy
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Whoops.
*the archenemy, ‘money’, derailed school 3 times (12 years lost, total), but I’m now close to where I wanted to be with it: Bachelor’s Degree, interning in a Computers/Computer Engineering field. Surviving the last 2 1/2 weeks of this semester is just the latest step in that.
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Keep at it, my brother. This Jerkob is with you every step of the way.
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